khblaze

khblaze @ 2007-04-04T08:39:00

2007-04-04T13:44:01Z

Well I have been seeing all the back and forth and WOW is all I can say. I will put this to the record!

1. Cid you are my friend and i have always enjoyed the company of your wit.

2. James you are my friend and we all know friends are not perfect we just look past it and except them.

Now i am am not taking side in this conversation because it is between James and Cid and really no one else has any say but of course as we all know certain people have to comment on it. i am not going to. I Have only a couple of things to say about anything and they are!

1. friends are not perfect.

2. people will always judge because it is in their nature.

3. drama from someones life is like a drug for certain people because then they can forget how bad their life sucks and make it look like others life's are worse then them.

4. when you stop becoming a hypocrite you will see your life is not all that perfect and you should first change your life before giving advice or putting your 2 cents in.

5. If we never made mistakes or choices we would never learn and life would be boring.

6. Life's journey has ups and downs but when it comes down to it if you can do it on your own and not need to have people help you with your life and can live on your own then you add 2 cents but when you have to have people help you out all the time then whose life are you really living? Not Yours!

Well Hello From The Shadows

2007-01-08T04:43:56Z

Well it is a new year and for some reason the drama never really stops. I heard from the dark void when i had checked my journal postings. I had added some people to just read what was going on in their life and not leaving any message or anything at all just a friend request and wow the drama came out of the void. I was i could say told to as he would say f**k off and die well no can do sorry to not make your christmas wish come true but you are not good enough to get that wish. Sorry maybe next year wait not then either. And really people not knowing you please you in some aspects are a open book. If they take the time to listen but then maybe that tells you something they really do not care to listen to what you have to talk about. And just let me talk a minute about the backstabbing thing please it is not backstabbing if you do it right in front of someone. Get your facts straight and not some version that you have come up with to make you not the asshole you really are. But other then that life is good and i am finally having fun and doing without the drama that pulled me off my path. All i can say is Get a life oh wait that is why you ran away again was to get a life sorry my mistake. Ok and now if anyone wants to respond to this and i bet someone will be my guest leave your opinion because as they say opinions are like assholes everyone has one.

Well Yeah Ummm

2006-10-16T22:56:55Z

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Well I have not posted for awhile and thought i would start and bring my life up to the present for all my friends that care to read what is going on. Well to start off I got a good job now and will be soon moving out on my own and some of you are like finally. Dave and I finally had the last of the falling out and even thou he and i will never be friends again I still wish him the best of luck and that is all i am going to say about it. I met a new friend this past weekend and i got to talk with her and she is very interesting. I have found out that love is slowly leaving me and my heart is walled to love. I guess it will take a woman with either a jack hammer and a blow torch or a couple sticks of tnt to find it. My friends are all trying to set me up with a woman because they understand what it is tyo fill love and they want that for me again. And to all who have tried i thank you and i can say at least i have some new friends out of the meetings. It has come to the for front that it is time for me just to be kody and the one that is behind the mask the one that was in germany and the one i am more comfortable with. So as of now the mask is gone and the person that is the real and true me is here and i promise this it will be a fun and differnet ride so if you want to come along hold on because the real me is finally at piece and all i can say is what a rush oh yea. well i am going to do the day to day thing with this if i am able to and if i really have anything to say pretty much. But i have one last thing to say thanks for the weekend i enjoyed the company more then you will know.

Darkness of the Heart

2006-06-17T16:45:51Z

With all the darkness of the world
balled up in my fist
I curse you for having a worthless heart
that I wanted and could not have
yes, I wasted roses and wine
yes, I wasted youth
yes, I wasted pretty words
and have a heart of stone for proof
so let the moon that was once true
in the hearts of poets
perish from the sky
and let the ocean be mute
and the birds choke on love songs sweet
and let the dreamers have nightmares
and the painters all go blind
for if I can not have your love
no one will have mine

Love

2006-06-16T05:03:05Z

Well as i sit here and think what am i doing with my life and where do i want it to go? I am just looking inside me and finding out that i may say the words i love you but i do not feel love. Love is a strange taste on my lips and i love the company but to feel it not happening. Am i truely dead inside of feelings. why is it that i cannot feel the love like i did before. I have a nice girl that loves me and i do not know how to explain to her that i do not feel love the way she wants me to. i mean i am happy and we have fun when we are together but i just have not felt love for a long time. there is a big splinter in my heart and it has killed that emotion a long time ago. Some people say i am a womanizier because of the women i have been with or 2 or 3 woemn at the same time i have been with. i do not know any more what to think really but this thing called love. I mean the girl that is in love with me would give me the world just to be near me and next to me but i do not feel it. am i a bad man i mean i do not want to string her along and i keep hoping that maybe the splinter of the dead wood in my heart will leave but as of now it is still there. I mean we have fun and i am not lonely when i am with her but there is so many barriers in the way one is the age differance. Her parents i know do not approve of it and some of her friends do not either. I just donot know any more what to think about this love thing i mean i want a relationship but there are things holding my back i think from loving the way i want to love. Is it that i am scared or is it truely that i cannot love a person at all any more. I just donot have the answers any more for love is it truely gone from my heart do i not feel love any more and that is why i do what i do with the women just sex and do relationship. Or is it that i am dead inside for real and that the feeling of love willnever come back. so do i keep wearing this mask of to hide my true self or do i just nto care anymore and be the uncaring unloving man that is inside me and is so close to the top of my being. well for all that read this if you want to leave a comment go ahed and do so. Because i am out of thoughts on this subject. I mean sex even for me is just going thru the motions and is not really enjoyable any more i mean the women enjoy it but it is like ho hum ok as long as you enjoyed it i am fine. I meani think it is all tied in with this love thing. do not get me wrong sex is great but the women i am with get the pleasure of it and thwey always want more after the first time we do it. I mean the goal when i have sex is to make sure she has the best experience that i can give her and i have yet to disappoint any lady i have been with. but i just wish it would make me feel something. Maybe it is that i am truely dead inside.

khblaze @ 2006-03-05T11:48:00

2006-03-05T17:48:32Z

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khblaze @ 2006-03-05T11:42:00

2006-03-05T17:42:58Z

Well It is me

2006-03-05T17:30:52Z

Well another night of dreams of lost love. Why dop i dreams so much about her. I mean I can not fully love anyone because of her. then a song comes on the tv today that really just says it all for me. so i thought i would share it with any one that wants to know what a lost love feels like.

I Can't Unlove You
by Kenny Rogers

Song details
Name I Can't Unlove You
Artist(s) Kenny Rogers
Album(s)
LSI rank -
Submitter Rae-Lin (scribbles714@aim.com)
Correcter GeeWhiz (g_e_e_w_h_i_z@yahoo.com)
Submitted 23-12-2005 22:35
Corrected 18-02-2006 21:08

Song lyrics

Video Album: Water and Bridges [Capitol Nashville] 2006

Postcards and letters
And pictures made to last forever
To be boxed up and tossed away
Knick-knacks and souvenirs
In an afternoon, they're out of here
They'll disappear without a trace
But what they mean to me
Can never be replaced.

I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you.

Interstates and old songs
Like time they go on and on
I guess I could learn to do the same
I could wake up without you
These two arms not around you
Tell myself it's meant to be this way
No matter how I try I can't change.

I can't unthink about you
I can't unfeel your touch
I can't unhear all the words
Unsay all the things
That used to mean so much
I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you.

I wish I could unremember
Everything my heart's been through
And finding out it's impossible to do
Oh, oh, it's no use
I can't unlove you...

I mean love is to be happy and joyful but when it ends in heartache why is it that woman when they do it can just walk away without even a thought. Dreams are bad is my thought because they put you in the state of being happy and the thought of things that have been lost. My life is so upside down since that day i lost the love of my heart. I try to love again but love to me is not there. I just wish that my heart could feel love again and not just a dead feeling when it comes to a relationship. Is there anyone out there that can make my heart feel again.

LOVE

2005-10-12T07:36:51Z

Well wow i am still alive how wonderful. I sat and talked with dave for awhile and i told him that the kody that was here is gone and dead nothing resides inside me but a shell of the man i was before. Do you see me smile do you really know can you ever feel what is inside of me or is it just fluffy bunnies and small how are you doing's to make small talk? Would you care of even want to know what is inside or our you just being a fluffy bunny?

Heartstrings Are Played Upon
by Hope
It's becoming more evident
Much more obvious to me
I thought much more of you
Than you ever thought of me

Was this my biggest mistake
Letting myself think you cared
Was I just your marionette
With heartstrings open and bared

With me left here still thinking
What was false, what was true
So puzzling and so complex
I’m left to await another clue

On my heartstings you played
Each left with a loving memory
Yet I still have those questions
Do you ever think about me

I’m wondering why all the intrigue
Now why all of this mystery
Why am I left here hanging
Your the one that holds the key.

Yea i am alone and hurting still memories of you flood my head and do not let me sleep. why do you still haunt me. Mellisa why? Why did those green eyes turn away ? I am sorry if my life would mean anyhting i would give it to you just to feel your hand on mine or your laugh one last time. You haunt my nights and i know that i do not feel your days or nights with thoughts of me so why can i not get you out of my head or my heart. As cold and dead in there as my heart is why when you come do you thaw out the frozen ice and make me feel all warm and happy ? Then i awake and it was just all a dream.

well I will leave on this note.
Alone
by Moondust
Purity once had a name,
And beauty once had a face.
Life once had a meaning,
And once I was safe.
Once there was freedom,
And once I could laugh.
Happiness once was alive,
And once I had another half.
Once I shared her love,
Once I was by her side,
Once I felt I fitted,
So quickly that died.
Her grace so great,
Her beauty so vast,
All I ever wanted,
Was for it to last.
Fate maybe had another plan,
Or maybe she had another love,
But it all fell apart,
The hand too big for the glove.
Now it's all died away,
Happiness, joy, love; all memories.
Now I walk alone in this dark, dark world,
With no light to guide my way.

test

2005-09-12T04:09:45Z

I'm Dead
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I'm as evil as Madeleine B (very evil indeed!)
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You're as evil as I am. Join me, and we can plunge the world into eternal night.

You are evil
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You like to annoy people on purpose and you don't like to see anyone happy, you need to change your ways quick or you could end up in hell

You are the grenade.
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Swift and explosive, the grenade is good for clearing entire areas.

Death

2005-09-11T22:31:48Z

So as i walk thru this darkness called life I sometimes wonder as i pass by the people walking around in this concrete jungle do you know do you care? What would bring you to your knees and think about death? People go thru life and find that sometimes they can not live with this or that but then they deal with what is the problem and find that it was just s problem and could be solved. But what if what you consider your life was taken from you as in your kids those from your blood your heart and soul. How would you deal with it. Well my friend last night decide she could not deal with not having her life and decided to end it. Method of choice drink bleach which would do it. So last night was not a good night for me i just wondered around thinking why and how could i not be there for her i wanted to be but we kept playing tag. I know it was not my fault that i could not stop her but maybe i could have helped her or even showed her that maybe i could be there and help her thru this. But i was not givin the choice. So forgive me if your problems are not up to par and i have no advice as how to live your life. Just live is pretty much all i can say. So now i think about what she was going thru and how she was a strong person to actually take that first drink and decide to end it. The mind can go thru different changes and can strip you of all that makes you feel. Will I shed a tear yes will I say a prayer hell no! Darkness now swirls around my life and comforts me my dreams are of past times and futures that have not happened yet. Death is just a fleeting glimmer in the eye of a person but it can last a life time in some ones life. So maybe it is time for me to go and become darkness do not look for me and do not follow because the path i travel will not be for you it is just for me and me alone do not hang on because there is nothing left inside for you to hang on to. i am going now but i will return sometime and some where just look to the wind and you may hear me call your name. Until next time good bye.

today The heart still is dead

2005-09-08T06:03:20Z

Well i was talking to a friend on the net today and was introduced to a song. I thought i would share it before i went on with my journal entry.

"Volcano"

Don't hold yourself like that
You'll hurt your knees
I kissed your mouth and back
But that's all I need
Don't build your world around volcanoes melt you down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for the sea

Don't throw yourself like that
In front of me
I kissed your mouth your back
Is that all you need?
Don't drag my love around volcanoes melt me down

What I am to you is not real
What I am to you you do not need
What I am to you is not what you mean to me
You give me miles and miles of mountains
And I'll ask for what I give to you
Is just what i'm going through
This is nothing new
No no just another phase of finding what I really need
Is what makes me bleed
And like a new disease she's still too young to treat
Volcanoes melt me down
She's still too young
I kissed your mouth
You do not need me

I listened to this song and all i can say is wow hit my love life all the way down to the last line.

Well i just thought i would post some song lyrics that describe what i think.

Here is my next song of life and love.

"Delicate"

We might kiss when we are alone
When nobody's watching
We might take it home
We might make out when nobody's there
It's not that we're scared
It's just that it's delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

We might live like never before
When there's nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

So why do you fill my sorrow
With the words you've borrowed
From the only place you've know
And why do you sing Hallelujah
If it means nothing to you
Why do you sing with me at all?

And here is the last of my song lyrics so that you all that read this can wonder and ponder how is life with out love. and i answer dark and frozen.

"I Remember"

I remember it well
The first time that I saw
Your head around the door
'Cause mine stopped working

I remember it well
There was wet in your hair
I was stood in the stairs
And time stopped moving

I want you here tonight
I want you here
'Cause I can't believe what I found
I want you here tonight
I want you here
Nothing is taking me down, down, down...

I remember it well
Taxied out of a storm
To watch you perform
And my ships were sailing

I remember it well
I was stood in your line
And your mouth, your mouth, your mouth...

I want you here tonight
I want you here
'Cause I can't believe what I found
I want you here tonight
I want you here
Nothing is taking me down, down, down...

Except you my love. Except you my love...

Come all ye lost
Dive into moss
I hope that my sanity covers the cost
To remove the stain of my love
Paper maché

Come all ye reborn
Blow off my horn
I'm driving real hard
This is love, this is porn
God will forgive me
But I, I whip myself with scorn, scorn

I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
I remember december
And I wanna hear what you have to say about me
Hear if you're gonna live without me
I wanna hear what you want
What the hell do you want?

Yea UM................. NO

2005-08-30T04:33:56Z

So i have had alot of profain thoughts since my last entry and it has been awhile so here it goes.

1. Thoughts are just that thoughts

2. Actions are louder then words

3. Women are the cruel joke givin to us by god vor a short happiness then poof they decide that hey the jokes on you and they are gone

4. Refer back to number 3

5. Friends are like the fleeting wind on a warm day they are here and then they disappear

6. I will be the only one that reads this so Yea for me

7. enough ranting

Now for a message from the makers of the cruel joke called love. Some people ask me what is going on and if i am all right will since no one but me will read this NO I AM NOT ALRIGHT. I hurt and cry inside every day life means nothing to me at this frame of time. Love is not in the picture and the shadows at night comfort me in the dreams of a love lost and never gained again. Why do you hunt me in my dreams have i not suffered enough pain that you must also envade the one space that i control and yes i do control that. I make it my area but when you come it brighten up and you make the shadows disappear and i hate you for that because then the warmth of the shadows turn in to cold and pain as you brighten up my dream. Why can you not just let me die and live in the shadows but no i realize that i must still pay for the act of leaving you and every night i pay for it in my dreams. You stand there mocking me and just out of reach and never able to grasp you again. You laugh and cry at the same time do you not know that if i could i would take you back to the time we met and show you the love i felt for you. I know none of this will ever happen because you are happy at this time in your life and i am glad that you found something that i guess i forgot to give you. Memories flod my sould and does not let me rest and my sleep is burdnened with sorrow and pain. Maybe one day i will be forgiven and be able to love again but for now i just want the pain to stop. How do you stop the memories of the fun and the life that we lived. I know i was not the best but hey i tried and yes i made mistakes the biggest one was having you put your name on the divorce papers. See this is all i want to say but it will never see your eyes or be read from your lips because the chance for love has passed now there is nothing but hatred. Now just a little words from me.

Will The moon Cry when i die

Will you even shed a tear for me

will you say a pray over my body

will you ever remember the times we had

will you ever .................

will you ever ...............

will the sun shine on my heart before i die

Will i ever find the love or be able to love again

Will I ever feel again

Will I ever .................

Will I ever .................

So I guess I will just live my life in the concrete jungle and die

Will you ever ..............

Well enough of my posting for tonight

Oh here is something for no one and ever one which means me

Everywhere I go I see your face.
And every sound I hear
is the sound of your voice.
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why can't I let you go? Go?

Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?

Everything about me is a lie,
At least it feels that way
when I look in your eyes now.
The truth scares the shit out of me.
Whoever said love is real,
or love is blood,
has never felt the way that I feel.

What does it matter?
What's done is done,
and I should get on with my life.

Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?

I don't know what it means
but I can't seem to make myself forget.
Was it something that you said?
Or is it all the guilt inside my head?

Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?
Why are you haunting me?

Why are you haunting me?

Why are you haunting me?

Well Here it is

2005-06-20T13:14:50Z

Welll here it is. David and I made up. HE is enjoying the company of a real nice lady. We had a bumpy road for a little bit but hey what real true friends do not from time to time. So well it is back to the shadows again for me my only person that could or would call is gone for now and so I will just start to shadow walk in the noon day sun again. I understand that it will be hard at first but hey I will get by. Work and maybe magic will suffice. Well I really have nothing else. David all I can say is that you found the key to life it is not some magic power or book it is just plain and simple love and to feel loved that is it in a nut shell and I am no scholar or mystic I am just me. Aguy that is walkin in the shadows and skips from the minds eye. So hold on to the love and see yah later.

Life Is A Shadow

2005-06-09T03:40:49Z

Well it has been a while since i have posted and alot has happen since then. First My love decided that she and I where not to be together and decided the only way to really tell me this was to get a order of protection figure that one out.

Next I end my relationship with a long time friend because really no one matters to him unless they can help him out. He has a new girlfriend and wow it is all about her every day and his friends come second as usual.

Next my family well I will leave that alone for another time but all i can say is thank god for the shadows.

How is life you ask just fine I will be alone for the rest of my life with no real friends because all they want is what you can give them not real friends just hang arounds. Friends are a thing of luxury not as you would have to have.

Well until next time boys and girls remember one thing Shadows are your friend and that if you try real hard the shadows will make you disappear from the sight of all.

Loneliness

2005-03-13T07:27:14Z

Shadows dance all around but no one is here. Shadows take that what i care for. To dance in this life with me you must also be not afraid to take a walk in the lonliness of the shadows. I wonder what it will be like every time when you leave. There is an emptiness that haunts my every being. When you are with me it is like the world stops just for us but then you leave and again the world spins around me. Why do I wait for you?????? You say that you are my safety net. More like my life force as in I feel alive when I see your smiling face. The laughter that you have just feels me with happiness but then the laughter stops. You want me to make a move I can feel it. You are not sure that you want to be with me then say it. Turn around and walk away before it gets any worse. Enough of this. This is my life and I will take control of it right now. So david thinks that I am the anonomous writer. Yea and he is a friend right maybe that is why I consider that my opion really doesn't matter to him. So let him strive for that which he looks for. Well this is my opinion, the veiws of other are not the that of the author of this page. So as I have allways stated. My World get your own it is to crowded inside this one.
Shadow Walking in the Noon Sun

Life IS FUN

2005-03-06T07:08:16Z

Well today is to be d-day but i think it is not going over like it was planed. Have not heard from her in two days. And then on the other side of life my son decides to stay over night with his girl friend again. I am fully against this action but as usual my ex says yes. But if dad says no then it is no. The set up of a life time. Why let me ask you all this. What do people think they will accomplish with this type of thought. No Good is all that come from this. Stupid. So i am getting so tired of this false friendship that i have with people. Oh they say that they will do anything for you all you have to do is ask. But get a little alchol in them and it is why you trying to ruin my night of who knows what. Probably meet some guy that is got a disease. It would suit the tempo of the night. You what i just finally decided that if a woman wants to have me they are going to have to show it. I am tired of playing the shadow game with love and relationships. Well That is all i have for right now. This is my own rant page for me. Any views are not expressed by the author so if you have any. SO WHAT !!!!!!!! MY LIFE GET YOUR OWN. IT IS TO FULL INSIDE MY WORLD FIND YOUR OWN TO F**K UP!!!!!

THE DAY BEFORE D-DAY

2005-03-05T03:35:28Z

Well this is my first post. My life is going just the way i want it to go. Get rid of old things so I have room for The new things in my life. I am becoming an adult and i need to throw away those things that keep me in non-adult mode. My Friends have all been deleted because they are not in the lane i am traveling. Sorry to say that but maybe when they grow up alittle then maybe they can take a drive in my lane. Awise man once said that to accomplish that what you want. You can not let those that do not understand travel with you because they are the ones that will take to a rest stop and not help you on your journey. I want to be free to live and not worry about what i have to do to make my voices of disagreement wonder in. For now i am just a shadow in the wind do not look for me for to find me would mean that you also have vanished from the eye of all that look for you. I have found the love of my life and she and i are happy and i am not going to mess that up with people that do not understand reponsibilty. All I CAN SAY IS POOF***** I AM GONE